Thursday, April 5, 2007

when disappointment and regret collide

I've been feeling pretty down, scratch that. I've been feeling down since August 20th. I miss London so deeply. Yes, deeply. I don't know..for years it was my dream to go there--live there. Of course things changed along the way, as they always do. Other dreams and ambitions took over so London took a back seat, for awhile at least. Until the summer of 2005.

I remember sitting in my office at the Aetna Foundation bored out of my skull and thinking about all the great stuff Katie said about the city. I honestly believe if she had never gone to London, I wouldn't have. Her experiences reignited my desire to go and from there I set my plan in motion--because I must always have a plan...

But the whole time I was planning the trip, applying to the program, etc..I felt really scared. Almost like it wasn't actually happening. I couldn't really go to London for three months, could I? Leave everything behind? I naively thought my life back home could be paused while I was away. After all, I still wanted the same things, I just wanted to go to London too. And this, I suppose, is the crux of my problem:

I was trying to satisfy two sides of myself and in the end I failed. I went to London and of course I absolutely loved it, but then I left. I came back to Connecticut to satisfy that other side of myself, but what I came back for was no longer here...

So essentially I left my ideal city for a town and a life I never wanted. The thought that I gave up my lifelong dream for nothing is, quite frankly, a terrible feeling. No wonder I'm depressed...I don't mean this in any sort of blaming way; it is what it is. It just proves that the only person you can truly count on is yourself. I forgot that.

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